Saturday, June 18, 2011

A World with No Mirrors.

Picture walking into a room that's about 15x15 feet all around. Once you look up you see a tarp held up by a long piece of wood not firmly planted in the ground so the wood moves around as the wind hits the tarp. When you look down all you see is dirt with rocks embedded into the ground much like the dirt road you just walked on to get to the room or I should say EXACTLY like the dirt road. As you look to the right you see a crib against a wall that has more holes than a doughnut shop with a baby peacefully sleeping. As you look to the left you see a 5 foot table with a little bit of fruit and veggies covered with fly's rotting in the cracks of sunlight seeping in through the tarp above, some would call this a kitchen. As you look straight ahead you see a small space with just about enough space to fit two grown adults lying down. As you keep looking around you look for a sink, a toilet, a faucet, a mirror. As you can probably tell by now this is not somebody's room. A nine year old girl named Cecilia lives in that house along with her 2 sisters, mother and father. THIS IS HER HOUSE!!! Can you imagine waking up and not being able to wash your hands, brush your teeth, wearing the same clothes you were wearing the day before because it doesn't matter your clothes are all dirty. I pick these 3 girls up every Saturday and Sunday to take them to our service at the mission center and they are always happy, smiling, laughing, excited to partake in the events that lies ahead of them. They don't see what I see, they don't feel what I feel, to them this is all they know so they enjoy it to the fullest the only way they know how. The father works his ass off just to put food on the table during the day and their mother works at night. The last thing their father wants is someone rolling into his home feeling sorry for them and trying to make things better in areas he can't. As a man that could break a nigga. So I have been learning a lesson that I never knew all along. I am not here to pity the people that are unfortunate, I'm here to motivate, inspire, show love and love them as Jesus would. I cried after the first time leaving Cecilia's home and I am crying right now wishing I could do more. I thought to myself for a very long time and I still am thinking what can I do or how can I do it...I can't....but WE can! We will find a way to bring miracles to Maneadero. I may not know who "WE" is but I know I will find out sooner or later.

It's almost been a month since I've arrived here and God is STILL breaking my heart for what breaks His and it is actually beautiful to feel my heart breaking.



Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Apologizing One Last Time!

To Everyone I know,

I have been in Maneadero, Mexico for over three weeks now. My life has spun 540 degrees. I learned that over the last decade I have changed so drastically that I completely lost my identity. I fell victim to depression 8 years ago which has altered my lifestyle, moral fiber, mentality, personality and completely killed any joy that had opportunity to arise. It has been a sad, long and windy road and on the way I lost many great friendships, a lover and grown to hate and build a wall of animosity towards my family. This person that I created was not me but merely a visage that I have up until recently allowed to take over every aspect of my character. What's even more sad there are hundreds maybe even thousands of people that only know this monster, this altered ego, this shamed being that I have portrayed over the past decade. I have been ashamed to be myself, I have condemned myself to worthlessness, I have hated myself. About a week ago I was sitting at a table speaking with another Torontonian visiting Maneadero for a few weeks. He started a conversation with me by saying "Wow Ryan you have changed a lot since you have arrived here in a short amount of time, you are a changed man already!" and at that very moment I realized everything I just explained written above, and it was at that very moment I realized which I also explained to him, the man that you met when I arrived here was the changed man...the man that you see today is actually the original Ryan, the man I was intended to be, the man who has a zeal for life, the man who craves inspiration and is motivated regardless of circumstances and unfavorable situations, the man God made me to be. It has been a long time to get to this point in realization but I am here and full of joy and now nothing can stop me. The worst has been thrown at me, almost killing me but I survived and now its time for the best to come out and play. So for all those who are reading this and for everyone that will probably never see this entry, for the deception I have portrayed, for the hurt I have caused, for the lies I have spewed, for the person that I have been...
I sincerely apologize one last time.

Find Christ's Identity in your life and life will give yours.

God is good fam!



p.s. More about my actual experience in the village and children and how God is using this mission center to bring hope will be coming soon in my next entry so stay tuned all six of you! haha!!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

What If...

Have you ever been in the state of mind where your not sleeping but not really awake your just staring at whatever is in front of you (sometimes at someone if your in the subway) daydreaming through the "what if" imagination? Like what if I won the lotto max this week I could quit my job flip the bird to that one co-worker that I truly despise, kick over a chair and laugh my ass all the way to the bank. Well that's what happened today and yes I was staring at someone on the subway and to tell you the truth I think I was cross eyed during my trance because my eyes hurt after I snapped out of it. What's even funnier other then the fact I passed my subway stop, was the fact I kinda believed that I was going to win... scratch that I DID believe I was the next soon to be millionaire and started planning the first thing I was going to do. After 6 coffees and a redbull I continued to add to the reality of my adventure with millions. I practically spent 9 hours thinking about this getting more and more excited as time went on. Well now I'm at home and guess what? I forgot to buy a lotto ticket.

Day 1 Smoke Free living hopefully tomorrow shooot it's hard!

Thought of the day: If the end of the world was happening tomorrow would you still try to survive?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

In Loving Memory

I really don't have a problem with goodbye's but this one is particularly hard. The memories we have shared together has been endless. I remember when you first touched my lips, not exactly love at first sight. Although, you did take my breath away and consumed it with a burning taste of addiction. When times were rough you were there to calm me down and when it was time to celebrate, you celebrated with me. It's been a long love /hate relationship that I will sorely, dearly and truly miss. I'm sorry the road ends here and tomorrow a new awakening begins. In loving memory..... cigarettes.

Day 1 smoke-free starts in approximately 2 Hours and 9 Min.

Thought of the day: If we were all the same would we have a personality?